there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
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Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Story of my life…..
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.