My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
You Might Also Like
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”