[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
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a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
those birds must be on payroll
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Florida be like…
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.