OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
You Might Also Like
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Employees must applaud the planets.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.