My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
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What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
adding to the discourse
Sex so good you see dead people.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
I don’t make the rules sorry
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.