I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
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Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.