It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
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I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*