If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
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Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this