me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
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“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
*puts words between two asterisks*
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls