I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
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Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
A double negative is a big no-no.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.