why isn’t thunder called soundning
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My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible