This kid will have a bright future.
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Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
a public service announcement
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.