You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
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Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
A small tragedy.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
BRAKING NEWS!!
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you