Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
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Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
For those that worship cheese..
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for