I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
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I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Can’t stop laughing
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
💁🏻♂️
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.