I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
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Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
I’d use my best pan on you.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭