you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
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Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing: