“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
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*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
not seeing the problem
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Sunday
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
not for long
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
🤣😂🤣
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?