What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
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VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Husband of the year 😂
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.