Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
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Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Breaking news:
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.