i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
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HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Netflix and awkward silence?
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
The Backseat Boys
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…