When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
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PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!