What’s so funny?
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Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.