watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
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8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
going to the ER y’all need anything
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this