[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
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If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.