Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
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I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU