Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
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*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad