By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
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What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
This will never not be funny to me.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
what is cheese if not milk persevering
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw