It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
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I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
What’s a Messi?
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.