When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
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If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”