News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
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If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.