It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
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Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]