Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
You Might Also Like
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.