Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
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[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Geez man, take it easy.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt