-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
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Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Selfie
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.