If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
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me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
You got this…
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder