Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
You Might Also Like
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Trumpy Cat
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
good morning
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside