FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
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You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
water it, i dare you
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them