Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
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I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Hot Hot Hot
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.