Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
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“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Not recommended for beginners.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia