[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
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Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
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