science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
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I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.