Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
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I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
umm…
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not