Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
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Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”