I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
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*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?