The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
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Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this