My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
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‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most