Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
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1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope