There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
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If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
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Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Have a lovely day 😊