A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
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Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.